Ok I am going to write about this. It makes me feel really vulnerable. I am afraid that certain eyes will see this even though I have no idea how he will find it. But hey stalkers have their ways.

I really like a guy. He seems like everything that I ever wanted in a guy. He wants to be a missionary. Just like me. He is even willing to not be one if that is what happens in his life. He is willing to do whatever God asks him to do. All these things made me really like him.

I thought he was cute for months before I started to like him. He seemed way out of my league. He is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I can't even think of a movie star that is cuter than him. I never even thought about being with him...until...he told me what he wants with his life. It was the same thing that I wanted with my life. I have never found anyone else who wanted the same things as me not even another girl.

But I can't be with him. I know this sounds really bad but I just can't bring myself to be with him. He drinks. I know it's not wrong to drink but my dad was an alcoholic and I don't want to live that life. It scares me too much.

Why? Why do I have to like him so much? Why does he have to drink? Why does he have to send me messages because God blessed his heart? What do I have to do with it? Why? Why? Why why why? I hate this! I hate this so much!