"Love is a soul's recognition of itself in another."

-Owen Wilson's charater in Wedding Crashers

I just finished reading the book A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. This book is what he wrote in his journal after his wife died. Madeleine L’Engle wrote the foreword and she was saying that the first time she read it she was not going through a loss like that of a dead lover. But then she read it again after her husband of forty years died. She said that she hoped to be able to relate more the second time around but to her surprise it was not as she expected. She was not going through the same thing as him. He had only been married to her a few years and when they did marry he knew his time was short because she had cancer. Madeleine said it was not the same as loosing someone you spent a lifetime with. At first I was angry at her. (Personally, I love her and have read the whole series of a Wrinkle in Time and the books surrounding it) I thought that she was saying that his grief was not as deep as hers. But I think what she was truly saying was it was just different.

Douglas H. Gresham, C.S. Lewis’ stepson, wrote the introduction to this book. He helped to understand the love that was lost in her death. He says that she “was perhaps the only woman whom Jack (Lewis) ever met who was his intellectual equal and also as well-read and widely educated as he was himself.” I find this to be so amazing how two people can find each other and be a perfect fit. There are things in a person’s life that are so important to them that they would give up love because they refuse to loose the thing most important to them. For me it is my passion for missions; for Lewis it was his intellect (speculation on my part). Sometimes one will have an ability or passion so strong that it is hard to find someone of equal to that. I am so thankful of Gresham to write this introduction because it has helped me to understand the feelings of Lewis in this book. Without this I think that a lot of this book would be lost to me. One thing that struck me so hard that he said was, “It almost seems cruel that her death was delayed long enough for him to grow to love her so completely that she filled his world as the greatest gift that God had ever given him, and then she died and left him alone in a place that her presence in his life had created for him.”

In reading this book I felt a strange connection with Mr. Lewis. I have not lost a lover to death but I have lost a potential lover to the arms of another woman. This brings along with it other feelings of betrayal and rejection but also a grief. You still have to go through the mourning period. Yet that was the best thing to happen to me. I came to realize that he was not the right kind of man for me. I realized that I needed a man who carried the same passions as me and was also unwilling to give them up for love. Coming through this I felt, and was told by others, that because of these passions and resolve to not give them up that I would end up being alone because I would never find someone like that. Yet there was still hope. That hope was not a hope that failed me for I found one that shared the passions and was more than I could ever hope he could be. Yet my feelings toward him were not returned to me. He has already found his soul mate even if she does not know it yet, or she could I just don’t know. Reading this book I came to think is it allowed to grieve over the loss of what never was? Should I mourn over this loss of hope? My phantasmagoria of the future has been crushed. How it hurts. How I yearn to be seen. How I seek God with these questions of why? But are these silly questions that are unanswerable like the questions of “How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round?” Yet one must just trust God that He knows more than we do. That He is sitting in Heaven, “As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, “Peace, child; you don’t understand.”

My heart leads me away to places beyond my dreams.

I can feel the beating of horses beneath my chest;

I can hear their cries echoing in the wind.

So I will go.

Taking only what I need.

Life is more than what I have

it's what I can give.

So I leave.

Called but not sent.

Admired but not loved.

I leave a life of comfort and safety

and enter into a world of enigmatic beauty and mystery

sustained by what can never be bought or seen.

In this place between Heaven and Hell,

Salvation is real and I am renewed every morning.

I go alone.

I walk alone,

waiting for her to find me,

to see the things I see,

to walk beside me and follow me into a life beyond dreams.

-Poem by B.A.

After my one and only boyfriend I conciderd and thought about what kind of guy I needed as a boyfriend/husband. I came up with a list of three things that the guy has to be and a list of two things that are given. The givens are: 1. He has to bea Christian and believe the same way that I do. That whole package. 2. He has to love me and appreciate me for who I am. The list that this guy has to match is this: 1. He has to be a missionary. The same kind that I want to be. I want to go and love the unloved and be an encouragement to the church. 2. He has to be able to hear God's voice and obey immediately. 3. He has to be a virgin.

I never thought I would find someone like this and I knew that these things were so important to me that I would rather be single than be stuck with someone who would keep me from my dreams and goals. so I was content with being alone. Then I met this guy and I got to know him and I found out that he fullfills my list of what I want in a guy. I was floored! I couldn't believe it! I thought I had found "the one". The one for me. I am the shy type when it comes to guys because I know what it is like to not like someone when they like you. So i don't want to do that to a guy. So it has been overa year since I found this guy and nothing has happened. We have gone on a few trips together and on our last mission trip I found out that he likes this girl that he met on a trip that we took to camp last summer. (he was supposed to fall in love with me on that trip not her.)

Since I have found this out I have felt so sad. I can;t beleive it because we are perfect for each other. I long for him to just realize that we work so good together and that we are supposed to be with each other. Forget that other girl. I am here and we match, we fit, we are a perfect fit. I long for him to want me. I long for him to love me back.

Since I have been thinking like this it makes me wonder how God feels when we want something besides Him? Does He feel the way that I feel about this guy likeing soemone else? Does He sit there in Heaven and mourn over the thought that we are in love with someone else? Does He cry with a broken heart and long for us to love Him back? I think he does.

To be Romanced.

To play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure.

To be a beauty unveiled.

Taken from "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge

So today, being thursday, we decided to go and get nochos. While we were talking to the lady who makes the nachos I looked into her tip jar adn there was a coupon in there for a free fried ice-cream with a purchase of an entre. So I asked her how much a fried ice-cream was and she said it was about $6.25. I was shocked. But then the lady told us we can have her coupon because she can't use it because she works there. So we took it and got a free ice-cream.

So for dinner and dessert three of us paid a total of $4. WHOoooo Hoooooo

I don't believe in Valentine's day because, number two, the radio stations and TV and stores and the whole entire world talks about, "what are your going to do for your Valentine?" Hey!!! I don't have a Valentine! You don't need to rub it in ok?!

I don't beleive in Valentine's day because, number three, it is a day that only a percentage of the population can celebrate. The rest sit at home and feel depressed about being single.

They should change the name of today to "happy singles awareness day!"

1. China

2. Turkey

3. Italy

4. Greece

5. Egypt

6. Isreal

7. Loas

8. Jamaca

9. Sudan

10. Mongolia

Today is my twenty-fifth birthday and my roommate and I decided to go to the beach.

When we had arrived at the beach there was a sign posted warning against Portuguese Man-o-war.

A year ago my sister and I were swimming at this same beach. (it is my sisters favorite beach on the island) We didn't see the sign warning against the Portuguese Man-o-War. We were swimming and saw this really pretty blue string in the water. I thought it must of come off someones swim suit so I didn't think much of it. Then awile later my sister lifted up her arm in the water and said to me, "look what is on my arm." Then I said, "It's pretty, yeah?" Then all of a sudden she was looking shocked and concerned and started to freak out. "My arm is burning!!! It is stinging me!" So she put her arm under the water to get it off and we decided to get out of the ocean. We swam out and saw the lifeguard who prayed some vinegar on the area where she got stung. "This isn't may favorite beach anymore." My sister told me.

So today a little over a year later my roommate and I were swimming in the ocean on the east side of the island and it was really cold. Although by this time we had been swimming for a while so we were abit used to the temperature. We saw the sign but decided to risk it. I kept a look out in the water to see if there was any "blue string" but I didn't see any the whole day. So my roommate and I were having a great time and talking and stuff. All of a sudden my roommate started to freak out. "Something is in my hair!" She was thrashing around in the water so I had to tell her to hold still and I looked into her hair and there was a four inch crab crawling around. So I had to pull it out and throw it far from us and then we decided we were done swimming for the day.

1. The new Tblog.

2. Being in love.

3. When people love my cooking.

4. Eating good food.

5. Good friends.

6. Reading good books.

7. Crocheting cool stuff.

8. My band.

9. Missions.

10. The night sky.

Remember to allow yourself to feel. To be sad. To cry if you want. To laugh if you want. To be. God created us to be WHOLE human beings. Our wholeness is of great value -- and includes grief, and all the emotions.

For some reason, we always feel like we must run -- even recoil -- from a process that I believe the Divine gave to us as part of our wholeness. Like flowers of different colors and scents, they are oh-so-lovely when picked and fastened together in a bunch. Don't feel that you must seek refuge from what may feel like a storm of emotions (sadness, anger, pain, guffaws, the whimsical and silly). Instead, dance in the rain.

-Nathaniel Dunigan

Director of Aidchild. Uganda, East Africa.

Cemetary's graves; Vampire's crypts.

Lost hopes; stolen dreams.

Empty, alone, broken, robbed.

Stone angels point to God.

Compassion, grace, comfort, trust.

In the dead of winter a butterfly is born.

Graveyards represent death and loss;

butterflies represent new life and new beginnings.

Wrought iron gate opens out to the world.

Butterfly flys out to freedom.

Be anyone.

Go anywhere.

Do anything.

1. Liking someone who doesn't like you back.

2. Running out of yarn when you only need one and a half rows left to finish the blanket you are croqueting.

3. Being fat.

4. Working at night.

5. Being poor.

6. Being perfect for someone and fitting so well together and there is nothing to do about it.

7. Cleaning

8. Broken cars.

9. When people intentionally try and make you angry.

10. Haveing unreturned love.